


Never would, never could

by himarichibi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I really am, I'm Sorry, Kuroo is the best wingman, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Canon, Sad Bokuto Koutarou, We hate pining, Yeah the worst tag ever at the beginning, there are real tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 19:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11493606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himarichibi/pseuds/himarichibi
Summary: Just when Bokuto thought he could, he realised he never actually would.





	Never would, never could

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm sorry for not posting anything for a longer while, but I was in an exams season. But now I am free and can write again ^^
> 
> Had some BokuAka feels, so here's the effect. And I need to say - I am sorry.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy that. Please leave kudos or comment, it would make me really happy! <3 You can also find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/_neromi) or [tumblr](https://himarichibi.tumblr.com/)

It is hard to hide your feelings from someone. It really is. But after some time you kinda get used to it. Even though everybody says you're like an open book and maybe it's true, this one thing is deeply hidden, safe from the world and a pair of the most important green eyes in Bokuto's life.

Ever since he had seen Akaashi, he knew he was something special. And his warm feelings were growing and growing and he himself couldn't even say when they stopped being the feelings senpai should have for his kouhai. They were much more than that. His heart squeezed when he saw him and when he called to him, sending him a perfect toss, his stomach fluttered as if he had a bunch of butterflies in it. But, of course, Akaashi didn't like him in that way. He was only an upperclassman for him and nothing more, somebody who Akaashi had to babysit as everyone kept saying, because he wasn’t really much more than a little baby owl sometimes. He sometimes wondered how Akaashi found so much patience in himself for his constant mood swings, but then Akaashi would smile and suddenly all of Bokuto’s worries would disappear, as if the setter’s smile was a magic wand. And when he saw that little adorable blush on his cheeks, a view that wasn’t very common if not almost non-existent, he couldn’t help it but fall for him harder.

But Bokuto was hiding his pain to finally say those three words behind his big smile or the excited hey-hey-heys and was happy just being near Fukurodani's setter. His setter.

It was common knowledge that he didn’t really have any sense of privacy and the idea of keeping a respectful distance wasn’t placed high on his priority list. He needed contact with other people. But it wasn’t known that his hugs for Akaashi were different, his high fives were different, his whole behaviour and intentions were different, going with a completely unalike meaning. Bokuto wasn’t sure if he was able to hide it well, but no one ever told him anything, so he thought that it was just fine. At least it was until Kuroo asked him the question he was kind of afraid to answer loudly, maybe even scared to give the answer to himself.

“Bro?” Nekoma’s captain started, sitting cross-legged on Bokuto’s bed during their movie night and looking at the end credits of the action movie they had just finished watching.

“Hm?” Bokuto looked at him with his mouth full of freshly made popcorn, behaving completely like a hamster instead of an owl he was so proud to call himself. But Kuroo wasn’t in the mood to smile or joke about it. He needed to know a much more important thing.

“Are you in love with Akaashi?”

He saw how Bokuto tensed a little and how he looked away from him, how he swallowed loudly and then sighed. But he didn’t say anything. It was then Kuroo’s turn to sigh deeply and after a moment of silence he started again.

“I’m not asking because I want to tease you about it, I’m just-“

“I think I am.” Bokuto answered quietly, so quietly that Kuroo wasn’t sure if he didn’t imagine that. But he knew something was there, he saw it during a practice match between their teams, he wasn’t that stupid not to notice something was off about his best friend. But Bokuto admitting his feelings was more than he expected. He thought his role was supposed to be the one of convincing him to do so, that he was just confused and had chaos in his mind, more complicated than usual, but it seemed it was going on for way too long. And Bo was in pain.

“Are you gonna tell him?”

“I-I can’t. What if he hates me for that?” Bokuto answered with a shaking voice, seeming so small and lost despite his muscular posture. This Bo was so much different from his usual self, hurt and unsure of everything. Kuroo hated seeing his friend like that. He bit his lip and pulled him into a hug.

“He won’t. I’m more than sure of that.”

There was a loud sniff and then the glassy, big gold eyes looked at Kuroo who smiled reassuringly.

“You think?” Another sniff.

“Tell him tomorrow.” Kuroo nodded. He knew how Akaashi looked at Bokuto. But it wasn’t really his place to say that.

“O-okay.”

He was going to confess.

Bokuto didn’t confess to Akaashi on the next day. Neither did he on the day after or the day after that. All the words he had in his mind disappeared in the moment he opened his mouth and he simply wasn’t able to say anything. He just looked into those beautiful green eyes, spacing out a little, until Akaashi had to remind him in his soft voice: “Bokuto-san, did you want to tell me something?”. He always answered that yes, yes he did, but never actually told him the thing he truly wanted to and kept coming back to the same painful routine from before – the routine of treasuring all the precious moments that were left for him.

The days passed and Bokuto’s graduation came. It wasn’t easy to leave everything behind. His classmates, the volleyball he had known up until then, his team, his Akaashi. He caught himself on thinking that maybe all the feelings would pass and fade, but they only grew stronger with each passing day, week, month. He simply wasn’t able to let him go and being away from him was more painful than he expected. He missed spending every day with him, his always perfect tosses as the ones he got from the university’s setter weren’t even near that good. Hearing his delicate voice in person, not through the phone or the laptop speakers, his soft remarks, his green eyes and that squeezing of his heart whenever Akaashi looked at him. They still texted, they still kept in touch, but it wasn't enough and he was brutally reminded of how lost he actually felt without him after one of their Skype talks.

“Hey, hey, hey, captain!” Bokuto smiled widely, looking at Akaashi’s face that appeared on the screen.

“Bokuto-san, please stop that.” The setter answered, but still couldn’t help it and smiled a little.

“But what, _captain_?” He said, his grin growing even wider, even though it seemed it wasn’t really possible and Akaashi just shook his head with a sigh.

It wasn’t really a long conversation, more like one of that short ones that were held by couples just to hear each other’s voices before one of them needed to go to sleep. But, Bokuto noticed bitterly, they weren’t a couple. They were just a pair of good friends from high school that used to play in one volleyball team together. It was obvious that the former captain wanted to know how his successor was doing. That was all.

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san, but I need to go now. We have a practice match tomorrow and-”

“Aghaaaasshiiiii, you should have known better than to stay up late like that before a match!” He exclaimed, even though he promised himself he would try to hold back his feelings, at least for Akaashi’s sake. But when he saw how tired he was and what hour it was, he wasn’t able to, he had that strong urge to take care of the younger man. He poked the screen of the laptop with his finger and pouted. “You go to sleep.”

He felt how his stomach fluttered when Akaashi smiled at him. “Yes, Bokuto-san. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. And good luck tomorrow.” He waited a short moment before he added with a smile: “Captain.”

All he heard was just a quiet laugh before the call ended.

And then Bokuto’s smile dropped and he hid his face in his hands, sighing deeply. All the feelings he tried to talk himself out of, even if just a little, make them at least an inch smaller, came back with a doubled force. He didn’t think one small talk and one remark he made would cause that reaction. Or maybe that was Akaashi’s smile and his laughter and that sparkling green eyes he would gladly drown in if he had the chance. He bit his lip as he felt water gathering in the corners of his eyes.

“Ha.” He sighed shakily. “Shit. I really am done for.” He murmured to himself as the tears started streaming down his face and Bokuto, once again, cried himself to sleep.

After that night nothing was easy, but when was it? He still hid his pain behind his usual wide smiles, sometimes he even forgot about himself being hurt, devoting himself to the sport he loved and emotions that went with it, but everything was coming back when he was alone in his room or when some really simple things reminded him about Akaashi, just like how he loved vanilla ice cream, not the chocolate ones. And he still tried not to think about his wonderful precise tosses.

And it continued like that for many days, he woke up with dried tears on his cheeks, he fell asleep with them being wet again, he wore his big smile and played volleyball seaming as lively as ever, he was attending the lectures, he did his homework, cheating and asking someone else for help more often than he would admit to. Some evenings he called Akaashi, sometimes it was Akaashi who called him. It was a complicated circle of everything and nothing at all, every day he thought he would be able to rest, every day he was proven wrong. Or maybe he didn’t want to rest. Maybe his mind was so occupied by Akaashi that forgetting about him and throwing him out would be even worse than what he had to deal with right there and then.

He also met with Kuroo as often as he could and they continued with their traditional movie nights. Nekoma’s former captain was the only one who could see through all the facade Bokuto was putting on, the facade that sometimes was able to trick even Bokuto himself, but not his best friend. And he decided it was going on for way too long.

“Bro?” He started, just like during the night over a year ago. This time he was also staying over and watching some action movie they chose together.

“Hm?” Bokuto acknowledged he heard him and encouraged him to continue, but his eyes were still glued to the screen, watching the scene when the main character was fighting a bunch of bad guys.

“How are things with Akaashi?”

Bokuto smiled happily. “Good. And how should they be? He has his finals soon and entrance exams and oooooh, you will never guess what!” He glanced at him with sparkling eyes.

“Guess what?”

“He told me he would apply to the same university as me!”

Kuroo smiled, seeing how excited Bokuto was and it pained him how he had to go straight to the point for which he started that conversation.

“Bo, I’m not talking about that. I mean, it’s cool, it’s really super freaking cool!” He high-fived him and grinned, hearing happy “hey, hey, hey” from his friend. “But I was asking about the other thing.” He added, a little hesitantly.

“Oh.” Bokuto’s smile dropped a little and this time Kuroo could see guilt in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m talking about that ‘oh thing’.” Kuroo looked at him expectedly.

“I still didn’t confess.” He answered quietly, clearly feeling down and rubbing the back of his head, ashamed.

“Just as I thought.” Kuroo sighed. “You’re going to kill yourself one day because of all the chaos you cause. Bro, listen.” At that words Bokuto looked at him. “Go to him and tell him. His graduation is soon and you promised to come, right? You need to say it then.”

And then, just like over a year ago, there were the same doubts. “I can’t. What if he hates me for that?”

And the same reassuring answer. “He won’t. I’m more than sure of that.”

He needed to tell him. He really needed. And Bokuto felt that too as he nodded, looking serious and determined and Kuroo patted his shoulder proudly.

And so, when Bokuto finally came to see Akaashi’s graduation, when he finally was able to pull him into a crushing hug and give him a little boquet he bought thinking just about him, all he was able to say was: “Hey, hey, hey, now you're as old as me, Akaashi!”.

But what he really meant was: “I'm so proud of you and I love you, Keiji”.

But despite everything, despite all the attempts and preparations, he still wasn't able to tell him.  
He probably never would be.

He didn’t see Akaashi’s smile when the younger boy was holding the small white flowers and hid his face in Bokuto’s neck, hugging him as tightly as he could. He didn’t see how sad the smile was then.

“Yes, I am Bokuto-san.” He said.

But what he really meant was: “I love you too, Koutarou.”


End file.
